new moon
a book ALSO by sstephenie smeyer
We last left off with everything happy and peaceful. Not a thing was going wrong....or was it?
After a normal day of school, Sedward and Bella take a drive to Sedward's house. "Your birthday party's going to be SO cool!"
"Nothing too fancy though Sedward, I might hurt myself" Bella warns him.
"What an emo! I mean, Bella......my sweet mozarella," Sedward said, flashing his grin "we're here." Bella took a step out of the car and in an instant she was surrounded by Cullens in matching costumes.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
YOU'RE NOT A HUNDRED AND TWO!
YOU LOOK LIKE MY BREAKFAST!!!!
AAAAAAND YOU SMELL LIKE IT TOO!"
sang the whole family to Bella, now 18. She was officially "older" than Sedward now - boytoy!
"Here, this presents for you." Sedward said holding out a present.
Bella grabbed it and like magic, *slice*. "AHHHH!! PAPERCUT!! I'M BLEEDING!!" Bella said.
"NOOO!!!" Edward screamed.
"*jumps to Bella*" Sasper thought.
Then *crash!* *slice slice slice!* The Cullen's GLASS table shattered into a million pieces and landed onto Bella's arms. The glass wanted Bella out of the picture to have smexy sedward all to themeselves. Sedward dragged Bella out of the room and back to her house. On the way he was being all cold to her....and it wasn't just because he was a vampire.
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"...we need to talk. Bella, I think we need some time apart."
Bella went over to buy the bikes off some man.
"How much do you want for these bikes?" Bella asked.
"What are we watching?" asked Jacob.
In the cinema...
After the movies
The next day, Bella sat next to the phone waiting for Jacob to call.
Back with Bella
"Hmmmph..if Jacob won't call then I'll go hiking myself."
"Hmmmm. Sacob hasn't called, he hasn't texted, he hasn't come over....AND I THINK HE BLOCKED ME ON MSN!! :O" Bella said to herself. "That's it, I'M GOING OVER THERE."
"C'mon Bella. I'll take you to meet Emily." Sacob says.
"What'd you tell him?" said Alice.
"WHY? WHY? WHY?" sedward falls to the ground crying
Back at Bella's room
Bella and sedward get into bed when bella finally decides to break the ice
"WOW...sedward quick quick LOOK!"
"What is it?"
"LOOK!"
sedward looks down
"What?"
"HAHA made u look" said bella with a triumphant smile but sedward looks away unamused
"Hey whats wrong you love this game"
"Well first my brother nearly KILLED YOU! and secondly you assumed i loved that game...I HATE THAT GAME!"
"Ok, can i take a picture of you with my brand spanking new camera?"
"That camera is from the late 70's...its 2008 bella"
"Well woop de doo mister im a 100 years old...just say cheese"
"cheese?"
FLASH
"AHHH MY EYES...thats it bella we are going for a walk first thing tomorrow in the forest"
The next day in the forest
"bella..."
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"What? Why? I thought we loved each other." Bella said.
"You're right Bella. The thing is though.......I love you, but I'm not IN love with you."
"Oh. So using that old, corny line? Am I that bad?"
"It's not you Bella - it's me."
"Don't lie to me!! It IS me, isn't it? Tell me the truth!" screamed Bella, letting a few splashes of spit get onto Sedward's face. Girls all around the world will get revenge.
"You want the truth? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" Sedward answered. "But if you MUST know, the truth is - it's NOT me - it's you...you're an idiot."
"Your joking right? Hahahaa. Funny Sedward. Had me going for a sec there." said Bella. Sedward rolled his eyes.
"Now let's put the past behind us and...make out?"
Sedward sighed. "Okay...maybe if I say it differently." He looked into Bella's eyes to make sure she was listening. Although, it might've just made her faint a couple times.
"You're too good for me, Bella. Wait, no. I'm too good for you. Wait, no. I'm gay."
Bella looked dumbfounded.
"Actually, no..I'm not gay. I'm everything every woman wants...and so much more. hehehehee." Sedward said.
"It's true." Bella said, mesmerized.
"Anyway, we're just too different. I'm a vampire, you're a human. You like hard tacos, I like soft. It's like we're worlds apart."
Bella's expression changed as she realised FINALLY what Sedward was going on about - it must've been the tacos.
"Don't call me, I'll call you" Sedward whispered as he left Bella in the forest and walked away into the distance.
"Oh, my achy breaky heart." Bella moaned.
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"BELLA, BELLLAAAAA, BELLLLLAAAAAAA" screamed some random voice
"WHAT!" screamed bella
"Im Sam Uley from La Push...arent you supposed to be crying or hurt or something not yelling at me"
"Oh rite"Fakes Fainting
"Argh, thats it..."
Sam slings bella over his shoulder, SHREK STYLE!
"Put me down shrek, and you better not fart!"
"Too late"
"ARGH WHAT DID YOU EAT, RAW DEER?"
"haha no deers horrible, it was a mountain lion"
Bella starts crying"MOUNTAIN LION...sedward...he left, they're all gone"
"About time too"
"What?"
"Nothing just shut up, we're at your house"
Bella's shak
Charlie runs into the room
"Bella bella love are you okay?"
Bella crys "Love..thats what sedward says"
Charlie looks at Sam
"do you think she will be ok"
"Dont worry she will be fine in a month"
OCTOBER
NOVEMBER
DECEMBER
JANUARY
FEBRUARY
MARCH
shit to far...
MARCH
FEBRUARY
JANUARY
Charlie walks into bella's room
"Bella, your emo!"
"What?"
"I SAID YOUR EMO!"
"Oh...ok"bella goes on cutting her self
"PUT THAT DOWN! Why dont you go out for a bit, go call jessica or something"
"Fine, fine"
At the movies
"Thanks for going with me Jess"
"No prob...shhh the movies starting"
Movie goes on about zombies and people dying...
"Lets go eat bella we can go to mccas 'IM LOVIN IT!'"
"K..wait a minute i know those guys"
Yes it 4 men...maybe the ones that sedward rescued bella from DUN DUN DUN!!!
DONT DO IT BELLA!
"What was that?"
THIS IS SEDWARD-YOUR GOD! dont go bella
"Are you in my head?"
Just don't go, obey your godlike EX boyfriend
"Hmmm"
bella walks back to jess...
"lets go eat"
The next day at work
"Hey bella, you can go home now"
"What you dont want me either? Why does every one leave me...WELL I GOT NEWS FOR YOU MISTER YOUR NOT GONNA WALK ALL OVER ME AND MAKE ME GO!!"
"its closing time bella"
"Oh..ok"
Bella walks to her car and drives down the street when what does she see but two old harley davidsons
"Hmmm..."
THIS IS SEDWARD YOUR GOD...STOP SAYING HMMMM!!! oh and dont get those bikes
to be continued
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"$5" said random-guy-selling-bikes.
"I'll give you $10! And that's my final offer!" She wasn't very good at bargaining.
"Uhh...okay. Pleasure doing business.....sucker.."
Bella took the bikes and loaded them onto her truck. She noticed that they were, well, crap. Like my relationship with Sedward. Nooo... T_T! Bella thought.
Random-guy-selling-bikes stood there staring at Bella mope and wtf? talk to herself? Weird....
Hmm...that Sacob dude fixes cars, she thought maybe I should go and visit him.
Outside the Black's house Bella takes the bikes and wheels them up to an unsuspecting Sacob Black.
"Yo Sacob." she says. "Pimp my ride." *Some ghetto rap music starts playing*
Sacob looks at her one eyebrow raised. "Who the hell ARE you?"
"Help anuda bruda out." For some reason Bella was speaking in a blackcent.
"Uhhh...fine."
"Schveet"
Sacob was happy to help Bella, or as she put it, 'anuda bruda' out. He heard that she was in the pitts - and we don't mean Angelina Jolie and Brad. Too bad for her..hehehe.
That night Bella slept like a baby. Like a 17 year old baby. A 17 year old baby that so happens to be in love with a vampire. Hmmmm. oO? If you're thinking what I'm thinking, then I'm not sure how a 17 year old baby that so happens to be in love with a vampire sleeps.
ANYWAY, over the next few weeks Sacob and Bella kit out the motorbikes and become close friends. And exactly one year since she has moved to forks, Bella is back to her usual self. Then one day she says to Jacob. "Let's go for a hike."
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Sacob pulls up in front of the trees and walks to the path
"Where are you goin bro?" says bella still using her blackcent
"look you SERIOUSLY have to lose the accent bella"
"Fine...bruda we are going through these trees not on the path im a daredevil, i go to the extremes, i break the rules i dont follow them i..."
"Yeh ok ill go just...shut up"
"Oh sorry bro"
"Bella i will TURN THIS CAR AROUND if you say bro again"
"but we're not in the car"
"You got lucky lets go"
Bella and Sacob hike day long till they decide to head home. The next day at school smike asks bella something
"Go out with me yer"
"Uh no"
"Come on bella one night thats all i ask"
"NO"
"I swear ill be good just lets go movies"
"Can sacob come?"
"Whats sacob, your doll"
"No its my 2m tall, 100kg friend from the PUSH!"
smike thinks to himselfsay no smike just say NO
"OK"IDIOT!
"Schweet"
"ON ONE CONDITION BELLA you Stop with the schweet"
"Ok"muhahaha he never said anything bout saying bro
"And no saying bro either"
Hmm can he read my mind...sedward could read my mind
Bella starts crying
"If it means that much to you can say bro" says smike
At the movies...
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"Beverly Hills Chihuahua." said Bella. Jacob choked on his drink and fresh coke poured down his nose.
"Don't look at me." Bella said pointing to Mike. Mike was waiting in the front of the line, jumping up and down....and glaring at people...and humping some guy's leg.
"Wow...."
"Yeah..."
"Ugh...I think I'm getting sick Bella" Jacob said a minute into the movie.
"Yeah...who'd pay to watch this movie?"
Both of them looked at Mike.
"Woof." he said.
"Okay..I might be getting sick too...bleurgh.."
"Are any of you guys feeling sick?" said Mike
"Yeah, but we weren't the ones eating grass." said Jacob.
Mike growled back.
Ring Ring
"Hello?"
"Are you tired of diets that don't work?" hmmmmmm... "Want people to stop laughing at your multiple chins? You can lose weight now with-" Bella hung up.
1 hour later
Ring Ring
"Hello?"
"Are you tired of diets that don't work? Want people to stop-"
Ring Ring
"Are you tired of diets-"
Ring Ring
"Hey it's me Jac-"
On the other side of the line...
":O..SHE HUNG UP ON ME!!"
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"I did it...i really did it...I DID IT!!! IN YOUR STUPID TELEMARKETING FACE JACOB BLACK...NOTHING CAN STOP ME IM INVINCI-WHOA!"
Just as bella was about to finish her mighty words she started tumbling down the hill but before she got to far down somthing swooped her up and took her to the top again
"OH SEDWARD YOU CAME BACK FOR ME!" and gave the stranger a good old french kiss
Hmmmm should i point out to bella im not sedward...no 5 more seconds of this should be alright
"My sedward you seem to have got a tan...wait a minute ARGH!!!"
Yes it was not her god like perfect ex boyfriend it was...LAURENT!
"Hello bella, my you smell wonderful today"
"I will scream if you bite me...and sedward will come and get you! he's just behind those trees"
"WHERE! WHERE! Thats not sedward its just a pack of big wild wolves...WOLVES AHHHHHHHH!"
Laurent ran into the trees followed by the pack of wolves...
"Right...now where was I before he came...oh yes i was falling down the hill..."
And that little piggy went WEE WEE WEE WEE all the way home
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So Bella went over to Jacob's house to sort things out. "Sacob get out here NOW!"
"He lives next door...." said a voice from inside.
"Oh. SORRY!" she yelled then tried the next house.
"Sacob! DO YOU LIVE HERE!?"
"Go away Bella! You can't be here!" Jacob called out.
"But why? Just tell me! I feel like we're not communicating anymore. For goodness sake, sake!" she said
"Sake sake?"
"SEE? YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!! AARGH!" and Bella left.
Later on
Bella sat down in her room.....just sitting...or whatever she does in there. Then something happened. Something freaky....THE WINDOW STARTED TO OPEN BY ITSELF......with the help of Sacob Black.
"Bella, you know what I am, just try and think" he said.
"What you are?" she asked.
"Just guess."
That night Bella had a weird dream. It was about Sacob having tea and scones in Bella's balcony. Then he started singing and dancing the whole High School Musical repertoire. Bella wanted to knock him out.
Too bad just as she pulled her hand back to punch him, she woke up. She woke up AND she realised something. something about Jacob....
"OMG! SACOB'S A WEREWOLF!! ...or possibly a shapeshifter...hmmmm. I mean, HE'S A WEREWOLF!!"
dun dun DUN!
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In front of sacobs house
"Sake, Sake, Sake...u little lying High school musical loving FREAK"
"??"
"YOU KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT I SAW THE POSTERS AND TOWELS WITH ZAC EFRON ON IT!"
"I thought we agreed to keep that hush hush bella...or else your secret comes out"
"OHHH YOU WOULDN'T!"
"I WOULD! Ok back on track did you guess what i am?"
"Oh rite umm a shapeshifter?"
"uuuhh im sorry bella you are the weakest link. Goodbye"
"WAIT WAIT WAIT...one more chance PLEASE! ill buy you the limited edition troy doll"
"Only if it comes with gabriella..."
"Ok..thats just freaky...Werewolf?"
"Yeh you got it! come meet my crew!"
"Crew?"
But before bella got her question asked sacob flinged her on his back on ran...
"RUN LIKE THE WIND BULLSEYE!"
"OWW Bella thats my hair..thats my nose...MY EYE!!!..."
"Shut up and run sake..."
"MY NECK BELLA YOUR CHOKING ME...umm bella where are ur hands going?
"There on ur head sacob why?"
"O_O something touch my AHH!"
"SACOB!"
"Oh..its just paul..."
"WHY DID YOU BRING HER HERE SAKE?"
"She knows what i am now..."
"yeh a moron!"
"Thats it bella get off my back...ITS SHOW TIME PAUL"
"Bring it!"
"OH I WILL!"
"YOU DO THAT THEN!"
"OK WATCH ME"
"WILL YOU TOO HURRY UP AND FIGHT EACH OTHER???"screamed bella
"Oh rite"
Sacob and Paul tackled each other done whille bella watched on...
Will sacob win the fight? Find out in the next installment of
SEDWARD SACOB AND BELLA!!!
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"Okay...one question." she starts. "Aren't you still fighting Paul?"
"OH...right... GET OFF ME MAN! AND WHY ARE YOU GNAWING MY LEG?" Sacob grabs Paul and throws him to the ground. "Alright everyone let's go."
At Emily's house...
"Hey Emily! Whatcha doin?" Sacob calls out to Emily
"Watching Heroes." she says.
"Yeah awesome! That's a good show"
"I LOVE that show!" says Sam "We have so much things in common Emily. <3"
"It's my favourite" says Jared, another werewolf. Murmurs of approval come up around the room.
"Yeah I think Barrack Obama said something about watching Heroes."
"HEROES FOR PREDSIDENT!"
"Hahaha so ANYWAY, enough of that propaganda guys. Emily, meet Bella. Bella, Emily" says Sacob.
Emily looks towards her and Bella notices a scar on her face. "What the hell is THAT?" she screams "Oh..I mean, nice to meet you Emily."
Emily glared at Bella. Bella got scared. "Sacob, let's go..."
"Yeah I'll drive you home."
Outside Bella's house...
"OMG OMG. The DEATH car!!!" said Sacob looking for escape. He started banging on the windows and aacting like he was suffocating.
"What's wrong?" asked Bella. She was scared. Not of the death car though. It was because Sacob's face looked like this:
"WHAT THE HELL!?" she yelled. "Calm down! And take that stupid mask off!!" Bella knocked the mask off Sacob's head. He was pointing at a car in front of Bella's house. "Death."
Bella looked to where he was pointing. "What? That's just Salice's car....Salice? SALICE!? OMG I NEED TO PEE!!!"
So she got out of the car only noting that Salice was at her house while she was on the toilet.
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"OH THANK GOD!!!!"
"are you STILL in the toilet bella?"asked a confused salice.
"Correction...i WAS on the toilet"FLUSH!
"Right...how are you bella?All good...all limbs intact?"
"Yeh im good im as strong as ever...so hows...sed-"
But bella couldn't finish her sentence for the tears started to flow...
"Look bella im here for-..OHH YOU HAVE A COMPUTER!"
CLICK CLICK CLICK
"So...what you looking at?"
"OHH....just the best thing on earth...www.sylarsarmy.com
"What was that site again?"
"www.sylarsarmy.com"
"One more time please"
"www.sylarsarmy.com"
"OH....www.sylarsarmy.com"
"Yeh.... IS THAT A WEREWOLF I SMELL?"
"For goodness sake salice its just sake"
"Sake Sake?"
"Why does nobody get that?"
"Hey bella...OHH IS THAT www.sylarsarmy.com?"
"Why yes it is...im member 685"said salice proudly
"SHAME! im 684!"
"Watch it...pup!"
"ill get it....Hello? Aha,aha,aha,aha,aha,yeh,ok,bye"says sacob
"Who was that sake?"
"scarlisle"
"THAT WASNT SCARLISLE...IT WAS SEDWARD!"said salice grimly
DUN DUN DUN!!!
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"Uhh...that Charlie went to Bella's funeral.."
"But SHE'S NOT DEAD!"
"Who?"
"Bella."
"Bella's dead!?"
"NO! C'mon Bella, we have to get Sedward before he does something stupid - like die!"
"He's not gonna die! He can't!" cried Bella
Sacob: Who?
Alice: Sedward
Bella: Sedward's gonna die!?
"OH MY GOD. Get you head together WOMAN!" said Alice, "Let's get going. I'll drive ;)"
Alice drove to Italy. (Q. wait a minute...how does that happen!?
A. She's a vampire. They can do ANYTHING)
Meanwhile....
Sedward stood in the shade, ready to step out into the sunlight where he will blind a thousand Italians with his hot bod. He only had one thing to say before ending his life -
"I'M AN EMO!"
"Wait!" said the voice in his head
(Q. Can vampires lick their elbows?
A. Yes.)
Sedward looked up and saw Bella. "Am I a ghost?" he asked then after a moment's silence. "OH NO! Bella...you DIED!?"
"=="
(Q. Is Bella single?
A. No.
Q. Howbout Sedward?
A. No.
Q. Is Bella single now?
A. No.)
Instead, find out what happens next!
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"Why what baby?"
"Why did you have to die, bella wh- baby?"
"You see sed-" but bella was inturrupted by two men in matching pink cloaks
"Come with us...or else muahahaha"
Other man in pink cloak-"Muahahaha"
Sedward-"Muahahaha"
everyone else stops laughing, except sedward of course
"Thats it, you and you come with us"says the man, walking of into the dark alley strutting his stuff. The other one following flaunting his pink cloak and exposing his matching pink converse chucks
"OOOOOO,Aaaaaaaaa neat shoes" says bella
"Thanks, half price at payless shoes, a steal at $20."
"Schweet" bella replys, her blackcent coming back to her again
The other man returns, picking up sedward (whos still going muahaha) and bella in one go and takes them to an underground lair-dun dun dun!!!!
"Prepare to meet your worse nightmare, Saro, Scaicus and Smarcel."
The doors open slowly
"Saro does this make my but look big?" asks Scaicus
YES!!! "OH GOD NO it looks great LOOKS LIKE AN ELEPHANT's BUTT!
"Hes lying..." says sedward who finally stopped laughing
"Hmmm...what do u think Smarcel, is it big?"
DUH!!! "Not at all Scaicus, not at all"
"Lying again" says sedward
"THATS IT...GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND MY COUNTRY!!!" screams Saro
sedward and bella quickly run out and find salice breaking into a porsch (is it pronounced porshhhh or PORSHA!)and fly back home to America (god bless the united states of america)
"Ive missed you so much sedward. Never ever leave me okay!"
"No problem, i love you bella swan, MARRY ME!!!"
"YOU WA????"
"Marry me bella"
"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
So sedward runs of into the distance but he stays with bella and never leaves her sight again.
THE END
Next time in ECLIPSE
-PROPOSALS???
-YOUNG VAMPIRES???
-WOLF ON WOLF ACTION???
(rated M15+ parent supervision advised-pfffffff YEAH RIGHT!!!!)
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